Thursday, April 7, 2016

Reasons I Swiped Left


Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see. 
Having gone from being a happy albiet cold Chicagoan familiar with clever lines like this, I moved to a place where I didn't have friends - let alone know the language: Bangalore, India. With lines like the one above, you can imagine that I was quite the rage in Chicago. In Bangalore though, guys seemed like they had all the friends they could ever want and didn't usually want to expand their social circle. Girls on the other hand, they wouldn't even look at me. I needed to meet people, if only to avoid another extended stay at NIMHANS. 

Let me start out by admitting that I have joined Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder, Happn, and several other datings apps that I would not like to mention in public. I was even able to meet a couple people on almost all of them. Does this show that I’m a desperate degenerate single-mindedly focusing on expanding his social circle? Maybe. Does it mean that I’m a lonely 20 something having a hard time making friends in South India? Definitely.

For the purposes of this article, let me focus on Tinder. I matched with the author of the companion article of this piece on Tinder a couple of months ago and I thought I had met the love of my life. What are the odds that I would have found someone living less than 5 kilometres from me who ALSO went to college in the states? Finally, a hyphenated Indian who I’d have so much in common with. This was truly a match made in paradise and I was getting ready with all my unused hashtags: #onlinedating, #datingapps, #wemetontinder, #weswipedright, etc. As the stars would have it, we ended up becoming good friends, and connecting so well that we decided to write this article together.

In case you were wondering, the rumours are true. She must have had a completely different experience on Tinder than me. I don’t know too many people in India that use Tinder (or at least would admit to it!). But I do know a girl who has matched every time she swiped right. I didn’t really use Tinder in the states but I remember connecting with dozens of people a day sometimes, even when I was barely swiping at all. During my first week on Tinder India, I did not match with anyone. Thus, I thought I had to dynamically change my swiping paradigm from what previously seemed reasonable. That said, I am really not so much of a desperate degenerate as to swipe right on every single profile out there. Despite the advice that everyone successful on tinder here gives (Always Swipe Right), I have realised that I do have some standards after all ;) So here’s the short list of the types of profiles on Tinder that I will never match with:

1)  Anonymous: She/He has no pictures or the pictures are of famous people that don’t look alike. Sorry but I’m using this app to actually meet people and/or make friends in this place where the majority of the population doesn’t even speak a language I’m familiar with - so if you can’t be vulnerable enough to let me know what you look like that’s not a really great way at putting your best foot forward is it?
2)  NoT yeT woRkiNg !! iM stiLl stUdYinG !!hehe, im still youth: This is actually quite common so anyone swiping in India has probably seen this right below the people’s profile. I can’t put a finger on what it is about this that irks me so much. Maybe the way they capitalise?
3)  Older Women: Sorry ladies. I’m sure that your amazing and that you have a lot going for you
but I have had too many bad experiences with older women to fall into this rabbit hole... A
friend just helped me change my age preferences so my matches top off at my age!
4)  Obvious Men: I’m not sure how this happened since I JUST double-checked and my
preferences state that I’d like to be matched with the opposite gender but I figured that gay
guys have a hard enough time as it is, so there’s no need for them to be matched with a bigot.
5)  Married Women: This is a lot more common in the United States. But I’ve come across quite a
few profiles of women with jasmine flowers in their hair and a guy who obviously dressed up for a wedding photo-shoot. Is this really a thing in India? Who knew cucks have gotten worldwide?!

I struggled coming up with a list of 5 traits (2 of which aren’t even real) that I would never match with but in actuality, I could, and probably should be a lot more judicious. The girls I’ve ended up matching with are all gems in their own light and I would have been attracted to each of them if I ran into them anywhere other than this up. But Thanks Tinder for helping this awkward Indian learn how to make friends in modern India.